BY ROSE EBERE | Family Affair Editor –
An abusive relationship is a nightmare. Photo credit: Life Coach Code
An abusive relationship is one in which there is constant bickering, nagging, and assault. Assault may be verbal or physical. An abusive relationship will have at least one or many incidences of heated arguments, which may or may not result in violence when the partners are together, every day. The abuse may take the form of carefully chosen words, intended to make the other partner hurt more. Thus, it seems that in abusive relationships, one or both parties in the relationship seek to inflict the highest hurt, pain, or misery on each other or on each other. Short to say, there is no peace in an abusive relationship. Other qualities like kindness and tenderness are lacking, or, if they seem to be present, they are only transient, lasting only a very short time before fizzling away. And the laughter or transient joy, soon to be replaced with the normal tensions, shouting, and the hurling of things at each other. After each cycle of argument or fight, there’s the pointing of accusing fingers or the blaming of each other for who is responsible for that recurring issue that brings the constant row.
An abusive relationship is injurious. Photo credit: Medium
If bliss is lacking in this kind of relationship, why do many people stay and continue to endure this harsh side of life?
No one enters a relationship with the mind of being constantly assaulted or abused. But sadly, many people have found themselves in such relationships and seem like insects trapped in a spider’s cobweb. While some promptly leave it, many others find it very difficult to exit such relationships, even when it seems clear that their lives may be threatened.
Granted, some relationships that started and seemed excessively abusive were later amended, and both partners came to enjoy a more fruitful relationship in the end. No relationship is without misunderstandings sometimes. Even couples that truly love each other would sometimes misunderstand each other and may argue or disagree heatedly. But how disagreements are handled matters. Understanding spouses either make up quickly their differences or at least manage it in such a way as not to allow it to degenerate to the point of a bout of abusive shouts and punches.
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The bottom line of every abusive relationship, to be able to amend the situation, is to identify the source or issue that constantly causes disagreements and then find ways to work out a mutual solution. Relationships are worthwhile when they bring sweetness and not bitterness. Meaningful relationships care for and protect, and not tear down and deject each other.
No matter the kind of disagreement, it must not be allowed to degenerate to the point that it becomes a pain to one or both parties.
An abusive relationship is not a one-way menace; both men and women can be victims. Photo credit: I Heart Intelligence
There are many ways to resolve disagreements. Open communication between partners in a relationship is very important. A third party trusted and accepted by both partners can be invaluable in resolving conflicts, especially when it becomes extremely difficult for the two partners to communicate effectively. But it is always best to talk your heart out together without involving a third party. For this to happen, both people need to be sincere with themselves and with each other. And must have a genuine desire to make their relationship work.
The bottom line of every abusive relationship, to be able to amend the situation, is to identify the source or issue that constantly causes disagreements and then find ways to work out a mutual solution. Relationships are worthwhile when they bring sweetness and not bitterness. Meaningful relationships care for and protect, and not tear down and deject each other.
But in the case where all means towards resolving the constant or recurring argument fail, and the verbal assault transmogrifies to physical assaults, which leads to a threat to physical wellbeing, then the relationship is no longer safe. One or both parties will likely be hurt, and life may be in danger. In such a situation, when it seems that it has become a cycle of violence that refuses to stop, it may be wise to walk away from that relationship until normalcy can be achieved.
A relationship is like planting and watering a garden. Yes, effort is needed to make it flourish, but new ones can always be planted. It is better to stay alive than die in it.
Rose Ebere is a retired headmistress with over 40 years of teaching and counseling experience—a career Guidance and Counselor with a degree in the field from the University of Nigeria, Nsukka. And a grandmother, now devoting much of her time to taking care of her grandkids in Nigeria.
Rose Ebere can entertain questions about relationships and parenting challenges. Address such an email with her name: Rose Ebere, to editors@heartmendersmagazine.com.