By Rose Ebere | Family Affair Editor –
Has a “trusted” friend deserted you? You shared vital parts of your life with them. You took risks and helped them in their time of need. How did you feel? Heartbroken?
If a friend who abandoned you in sorrow hurt you, how would it feel if your spouse, your closest person, did the same? You may have had two or more kids with them or none.
Every friendship has a base, a foundation on which it grows. In any relationship between two or more people, a strong bond unites them. You will know this from what you always discuss with anyone you have a relationship with. When together, they talk more about business, politics, family, love, and wild escapades. Others may discover that they even share a criminal inclination (of course, an unhealthy one). This criminal penchant is the “special interest” area. It’s the strongest point of their friendship. That thing that bonds you and your friend together – it may be a special interest you have for each other in so many other ways.
It may also be spiritual. Two people may find they share a belief, religious or philosophical. That’s why the saying, “birds of a feather flock together,” is always true.
Without a common interest, no friendship or relationship will last.
This special or common interest also exists in marital relationships. Every union is built on a common interest, no matter how different their views or backgrounds may be. A woman must have a reason to love and want to build a “lasting” relationship with a man, and so it is with a man also. Your spouse has a reason for choosing you. When the common interest hinges on the same interest, compatibility increases. When they differ, this may be a source of tension and may break the union if not managed well.
Some other interests or reasons a person may love and want to build a relationship are educational qualifications. A person may seek a partner based on their education. Some want a higher level of education, or the same level, while others may even want a partner with a lower level. These are personal reasons and choices.
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Some people hinge their interest on their partner’s looks – macho, tall, short, skin color, curves, or even something as trivial as rear size. And this is building a relationship based on physical attraction or charm.
Family background – which includes status, royalty, wealth, or even ethnic inclination.
Other reasons may include a person’s charisma, intelligence, spiritual affinity, courage, character, or other unseen qualities that shape their comportment.
Now that we have seen that forming relationships must be based on interests, can we comfortably partition the above interests into two groups: material and non-material? People can see material reasons, such as physical attraction. People cannot see or touch non-material reasons, such as character.
Why build a relationship with interests around non-material?
The reason is that non-material interests lead to longer-lasting relationships.
Why?
Because non-material reasons outlast material reasons, for example, an accident or sickness may mar physical attraction. Status can change, and wealth can vanish due to inflation or economic depression. Even educational qualifications may fail one for economic or other reasons. The person may really not be living up to the expectations of the one who made the choice based on that educational qualification. Non-material interests like character may be indestructible, since they are intrinsic qualities embedded within. And a courageous man or woman always proves their mettle in difficult circumstances, as this would be their natural flair. Courage is a lasting quality, unlike material or physical things. It does not depend on any physical magnitude. Another immaterial factor, such as wisdom, improves in quality even as it grows older. Researchers have proven that a spiritual bond can connect a group much more strongly. These are immaterial factors that people can use to build stronger relationships.
Take this seriously because it involves matters of the heart.
A relationship that relies on material gain is flawed. If one party gains something, they will always be there for you. But they would never return your kindness in your “trying” times. Because they are not there for you, for who you are, but for the material things that they hope to satisfy themselves.
For when the basis of the friendship vanishes, the relationship crumbles. When “things fall apart,” the one who hoped to gain something material becomes disappointed and abandons you. Unlike relationships built on things one cannot see, touch, or obtain.
Take this seriously because it involves matters of the heart.
For when the basis of the friendship vanishes, the relationship crumbles. When “things fall apart,” the one who hoped to gain something material becomes disappointed and abandons you. Unlike relationships built on things one cannot see, touch, or obtain.
This article, previously published on Heartmenders Magazine website, has been updated and republished with an enhanced new title.
Rose Ebere is a retired headmistress with over 40 years of teaching and counseling experience—a Career Guidance and Counseling professional with a degree in the field from the University of Nigeria, Nsukka. And a grandmother, now devoting much of her time to taking care of her grandkids in Nigeria.
Rose Ebere can entertain questions about relationships and parenting challenges. Address such an email with her name: Mrs. Rose Ebere, to editors@heartmendersmagazine.com.