By Rose Ebere | Family Affair Editor, Africa –
What is divorce? Simply defined, divorce can be said to mean the official termination of a marriage. Since marriage is an official union, it must be terminated officially as well. Therefore, divorce can be seen as the legal dissolution of a marriage by a court or another competent body.
Without any legal or official annulment, assuming the couple was no longer living together, no matter how many years they had been disengaged, what they had was a mere separation, not divorce. Although they are not physically living together, they remain legally tied to each other until an official dissolution of the union.
Marriage cultures differ from country to country and from culture to culture, but the official or traditional ways of dissolving marriages are always known to the people or recorded.
For example, the Igbo people in eastern Nigeria, West Africa, officially dissolve a marriage by the bride’s family returning the bride price paid by the man to the woman’s family during the traditional marriage rites. And when a husband and wife separate without officially dissolving the marriage, any children the woman may have with her new partner(s) can be traditionally claimed in the State Customary Courts to belong to the first partner who paid her bride price, since they remained customarily tied together. This is the traditional way of divorce in Igbo culture, in addition to official state dissolutions in court.
What can lead to a divorce in a marriage?
Various factors can cause the breakdown of the family unit. Reasons to seek a divorce differ from person to person, depending on what one can or cannot tolerate, and on personal preferences and choices.
But generally, divorce usually results from intense disagreements between couples. Whenever differences between them cannot be resolved amicably, they may lead to divorce.
Consequently, divorce can be seen as a severe breakdown of communication between the two individuals, such that further agreement may become impossible, and the two can no longer work together as a family.
Lack of commitment, unrealistic expectations, lack of preparation, abuse, too much arguing, marrying too young, etc., were among the top 8 reasons given in an article on the most common reasons for divorce on www.msn.com.
For all the existing reasons couples have divorced, there are people who have been able to pull through the challenges to make up and continue living as husband and wife. But by resolving to succeed in the marriage, the couple can fix most of these problems if they are willing to go the extra mile and make the necessary sacrifices to make their marriage work. There’s nothing that cannot be fixed when the will is there.
Are there things you can do before filing for a divorce? It’s true, mainly in cases where there’s an endangerment to the life of one of the partners, that at least a separation might seem inevitable and the wisest choice. But that a couple is always disagreeing or quarreling all the time is not a mere indication that their marriage will never work. It may mean that there’s something they might need to fix urgently.
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When one thinks the best way out of every marriage with a challenge is to walk away for good, they should remember that there’s no perfect marriage ever in existence. Walking out and walking into another marriage means facing a whole new set of confrontations and challenges, too, because every marriage has its own.
Two people from totally different backgrounds, experiences, and preferences, coming together to live as one, would always produce tensions and disagreements to varying degrees. It all depends on how such disagreements are handled.
Hence, each subsequent marriage after the dissolution of the previous one would still present its own unique challenges for the couple.
So, the earlier one realizes this and sits down to make an honest resolution to help the marriage work, rather than seeking a quick escape through divorce, the better for the couple.
The points below can help show ways to make a marriage in turmoil work, rather than thinking the best or only solution is walking away and believing we are going off to find the better one for us (There’s no Mr. or Mrs. Perfect somewhere):
- The two must resolve in their hearts to make the union work. There’s no way differences can be made if one of the couples has already made up his or her mind that it’s over. It’ll only start working when two of the parties in the marriage see possibilities for how and why the union should work, rather than dwelling on why it must end.
Instead of thinking, “This is why it must end,” start to think, “This and this are why we should keep working on ourselves and on each other, and not give up.” Once they start seeing the possibilities of making up, things will start to change.
- Instead of seeking a divorce, find ways to seek how to come back together on the “Discussion table,” to improve your communication skills.
Communication is a major key in marriage.
Two people cannot agree, unless they sit and talk together frankly from their hearts.
They work together when they understand each other.
Decide between both parties to always come together to talk frankly and plainly. Decide to do anything between the two by agreement.
Always come together, talk, decide, and agree among yourselves before making decisions, and have the option to choose in matters. And also, individually, make room for compromise.
To agree on matters, no one should insist; it must be either this way or no other way.
But each should be ready to shift ground a little, left or right, to accommodate the other partner’s views or choices.
An example of how to achieve a compromise is, say A comes with option A and B comes with option B, instead of insisting that it must be either option A or option B or never, the two might try to work out a new option, called option AB, which will accommodate the two different views in an agreeable balance. Through compromise, deals are struck, and things may start moving again.
- If it is hard for the two to come back together at the “Discussion table” to talk or reach an agreement, the couple may seek to involve a mediator.
The mediator needs to be someone both partners hold in high esteem and be a respectable person with marital experience worthy of emulation.
Choosing a mediator both parties accept would make it easier for them to accept the mediation’s outcome. Whoever the person is, it would be up to the couple to decide who to invite to mediate.
- The two parties need to resolve to respect each other’s opinions, no matter how they differ, and to always seek to talk things over each time to reach an agreement. Even if such things seem to be insignificant, as long as they have the propensity to generate disagreements, talk it over with respect.
These four points might help one improve one’s chances of saving a marriage on the brink of failure. Knowing that divorce is not always the best solution to ending a marriage in turmoil.
Frantic efforts must first be made to save your marriage by all means. Whatever that’s sacrificed to restore a failing union to normalcy is worth it and better than allowing oneself to go through the tensions and trauma of divorce. Every divorce produces one.
And where there are children, they are usually always at the receiving end. It affects them psychologically and emotionally. And sometimes the effects of divorce stay with them the rest of their lives. So, making the effort and sacrifice to save a marriage may be the best gift you can give to your loved ones, who would be affected by divorce.
To find the power to start mending things, always tell yourself there’s nothing broken in life that can’t be fixed. That someone had found a fix for a similar scenario trying to break your union means you can also find a fix.
The prized piece of artwork, the Pietà by Michelangelo (1499), located in Vatican City, was “irreparably” damaged by a vandal in 1972, who pounced on it and repeatedly struck it with a hammer; some of the fallen pieces of the artwork were immediately picked up by tourists in Rome and onlookers, who stole them. Nonetheless, something meticulous and strenuous was done to restore this artwork. It took 10 months of great effort to restore the artwork, and today it is preserved in a protected, sophisticated bulletproof glass enclosure, yet a marriage is far more valuable than a piece of artwork.
The effort to save a marriage is worth it. Photo credit: Trust-Tru-Katsande, Unsplash.com
So, making the effort and sacrifice to save a marriage may be the best gift you can give to your loved ones, who would be affected by divorce.
That you are still together and have not filed for that divorce shows your marriage is not yet irreparably damaged – even if both of you may still not be living together. Why not work that much harder to make your marriage succeed rather than seek a quick end through divorce?
Before updating and republishing, this article was first published in the Heartmenders Magazine print format of the 4th Edition with a different title.
Mrs. Rose Ebere is a retired headmistress. She has over 40 years of teaching and counseling experience. She taught and counseled primary school pupils and their parents for 35 years. Her career included serving as head of two large public primary schools at different times. She has an Associate Certificate in Education and a B.Ed. in Guidance and Counseling from the University of Nigeria, Nsukka. She is a grandmother. She now spends a lot of time caring for her grandkids. She also does some counseling as a hobby. You can contact her at editors@heartmendersmagazine.com.