By Rose Ebere, Family Affair Editor, Africa –
Having a relationship is one of the most powerful and common things in the world. That’s why all living things form pairs. This includes birds in the sky, mandrills in the forest, fish in the sea, and even microorganisms. No human is an island. Without diverse relationships, the world would lose its flavor.
Marriage is one of the most important institutions in the world. It allows two different people to come together and form a special bond. Everyone craves warmth and companionship. This desire comes from the lively nature of love. Loneliness is destructive. Nonetheless, marriage is far more than a mutual interaction or relationship. It is an intimate relationship. That is why it has the deepest, longest-lasting impact on someone. This is also why one needs to prepare in advance for it.
When can one start preparing for it, or what is the ideal age for marriage?
Experts have many suggestions on the best age to marry. But the average marrying age for both men and women has changed. There is a significant increase from what it was, say, 76 years ago, to what it is now. Many factors are responsible for it.
In the past, Igbo women married very early, in their teens. That used to be the norm in the mid-50s and thereabouts. Many fathers did not see the need to send their female children to higher education – only a few did in the olden days. There was not much pressure to go to the University. Most of the luxuries people seek today were not a concern for people back then. Trading, farming, fishing, blacksmithing, or carpentry could support the Igbo economy. The whole family leaned on the men to provide for the family, while women played a supportive role at home.
But these days, both men and women study or learn a trade to earn better pay that would help them cover the skyrocketing bills of modern life and the high cost of training their children, both male and female, in very good, expensive schools. Even older female children now had to go out and join their male folk to work hard to help train their younger siblings, especially when their parents were poor.
Various compelling pressures continue to widen the marriageable age range. And the average age at which marriage happens keeps rising, not just in Nigeria but worldwide. Even in some lands, it became a source of worry that their government had intervened directly in fixing marriages. For example, in Iran, officials once launched a dating site. They aimed to promote early marriages and reduce the number of late partners or indifferent people to marriage. They got involved in pairing dates when they were younger.
The average marrying age in Nigeria and in many African countries is much higher than in the West. A poor economy is not spared as one of the major culprits for this disparity.
Most African men don’t get married until their late thirties or forties. That is usually when they can afford to get themselves a wife. Igbo men believe a man needs to be ready to provide for a family before entering marriage. Some had to wait until their late 40s before they equipped themselves. Many graduates take time to find a job. Most who do are underpaid. They need time to save enough to meet their basic needs. Only then can they consider themselves ready. Nigerian and most African citizens receive no government help. If there is any, it’s often not enough. Everyone must work hard to support themselves.
Since it takes the men a long time to get ready, the women have no choice but to wait. Therefore, the factors that affect men marrying late invariably affect women. And the worst of all, when these men get ready, most of them would prefer to marry younger women. A man in his late 40s would be relishing a woman in her early twenties or below. This is why a woman needs to get more prepared for this union, earlier today. And not be indifferent to the factors affecting men marrying early. Women need to pay closer attention to prepare for marriage.
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Many Nigerian and African women reach 30 without getting married. Some are in their forties and early fifties, yet without a groom. Nigerian women value education. Most prefer not to marry – not until they have at least graduated from the university.
Unlike in our days, few girls marry at 18 today. In some cultures, especially in northern Nigeria, early teen marriages are still common. Nowadays, the average age at which Igbo women get married is 24, and many others are married at 28 or older.
Studies show that marriages when a woman is 18 are twice as likely to end in divorce as those when she is 25 or older. This may be because, as a woman matures, she gains experience. This prepares her for the challenges that follow every marriage. Experience increases understanding. As understanding increases, people will handle arguments with greater maturity. Also, by that age, she could earn more money. She would have more work experience than an 18-year-old who graduated from high school and has not yet gotten a job, or less experience in managing the pressures of modern life.
A woman must not waste time. She should start early by developing herself. She should decide earlier what she wants: a job, a trade, or a degree. Then, she should find work to support herself as an independent woman. This would help her be ready to contribute something to a home.
This is important. In Nigeria and Africa, men now seek working women or entrepreneurs. They want partners who can help support the family. Most men today consider women who do not work or earn any money unproductive and a liability.
A woman must not waste time. She should start early by developing herself. She should decide earlier what she wants: a job, a trade, or a degree. Then, she should find work to support herself as an independent woman. This would help her be ready to contribute something to a home.
Preparation is important. Marriage brings together two people with opposite backgrounds, experiences, cultures, and languages. It’s not a casual union. The goal is to create a strong family. It’s a union meant to last until “death do us part.”
A marriage needs strong communication, understanding, tolerance, and patience to work. These qualities are vital and also apply to raising children. One must also give the family its due attention. This is key to maximizing the happiness that comes from having a family.
There is no hard-and-fast rule for the ideal time or age to marry. Some younger women have been more mature in marriage than many older ones. So age is not the best way to judge maturity or preparedness. It is indispensable that one prepares oneself in every necessary way for it.
Again, women need to learn home management skills. Examples are cooking, sewing, baking, washing dishes, and keeping a room clean and tidy. There are so many of them.
Preparation is important.
Men should also learn at least one or two of these home-keeping skills to help out. It’s unfair to make a working woman do all the chores at home after coming back from a 9-to-5 job. Men should sometimes help out in the kitchen and with household chores.
Once you are sure you are ready to live with a soulmate, the next step is courtship. You should take the time to gain the necessary skills and experience to handle a home and manage differences.
Courtship is vital in a marriage. Today’s marriages often fail due to incompatibilities. So, we must prepare for marriage by courting. Courtship lets us test our compatibility in three areas: emotional, mental, and spiritual. Without taking the time to work out the differences in these areas, a breakup would result.
Two different people cannot have the same emotions. Temperament varies. So, they must learn to tolerate each other’s differences. It is vital to establish a means of settling disputes or disagreements. This is what emotional compatibility is all about. Courtship helps to establish this.
We must consider the education gap between the two partners. We must study how differences in intelligence affect each other. Then, we must find ways to bridge the gap or put up with each other in the union during courtship. It is also vital to check the individual’s interests. We must accommodate them to achieve mental compatibility.
Spiritual compatibility is also important: how spirituality affects one’s life. There can be irreconcilable differences in religious or spiritual beliefs and practices. Individuals’ spiritual goals and moral integrity matter very much. Spiritual differences are something no one building a lasting union should ignore.
Physical attraction and sexual compatibility are secondary. Because they are not the foremost things in a relationship. But another major cause of concern in compatibility is financial. It is vital to establish a clear plan for handling money matters before getting married. Disagreements over finances have led to many divorces.
Courtship is like planning a marriage, and one who fails to plan is planning to fail. It’s usually best to agree on everything during courtship. Hoping to marry while having differences unresolved often leads to problems later in the marriage. It will never happen without agreement, leaving a sense of hopelessness.
A key factor in courting is finding someone who is ready when you are. It wouldn’t be fitting if, in 2 years, you were ready to marry. Then, you would be courting someone who is getting ready to marry in 10 years. This time-lapse can lead to avoidable disappointments and heartbreak. Depending on your age or what you want, time might not be on your side. Remember, a woman has a limited period for giving birth, before menopause sets in, unlike a man who may be able to do so even in their 80s or more. Thus, it would be reasonable to find someone who has the same timeframe for marriage as you.
Do not cohabit. Most cohabitations do not end up in marriages. To consummate a marriage, one must do certain things. A person who loves you deeply and is ready to marry you takes decisive steps to make the marriage happen. What’s stopping your partner from marrying you? Find it and fix it, if you can. If you cannot, decide whether it is truly your choice to remain in that union unmarried, or whether you actually want to become a married partner officially.
Now, are you prepared for marriage?
That is a question each person who wants to walk down the aisle will answer for themselves. If you are 18 or older, you qualify to marry. But remember that qualifying and preparing for marriage are two parallel lines. They are not the same. You need to gain important skills and experiences before saying, “I do.” This will help you succeed in your marriage. Are you single and above 40 or 50? Do not give up hope, because marriage can happen at any age and at any time throughout a person’s lifetime. Just prepare for it.
Are you single and above 40 or 50? Do not give up hope, because marriage can happen at any age and at any time throughout a person’s lifetime. Just prepare for it.
Rose Ebere is a retired headmistress. She has over 40 years of teaching and counseling experience. She taught and counseled parents and guardians for 35 years. Her career included heading two large public primary schools at different times. She has an Associate Certificate in Education and a B.Ed. in Guidance and Counseling from the University of Nigeria, Nsukka. She is a grandmother. She now spends much time caring for her grandkids. She also does some counseling as a hobby. You can contact her at editors@heartmendersmagazine.com.
Editor’s Note: This article has been updated from its original publication years ago.